I wrote ‘Miscarriage: What happens when God is silent? 2’ a year ago. I guess it was therapy for me: documenting what had happened and how I felt about it. I never read it again, until today.
Today is the one-year anniversary of when I gave birth to Poppy. It’s been a year. A whole year. It’s hard to imagine last year because so much about our lives has changed; but we remember the pain, the sadness, the utter disbelief and the grief. I remember vividly the horror of having to tell the children and watching their grief overflow. I remember thinking, ‘how are we going to get through this? How are we going to cope?’
But we did cope. And we did survive. And life carried on. And things changed.
One of the hardest things to face is the death of the dreams and plans we had. A future with a baby in it looks very different to one without. But we made new dreams and we made new plans. And we took it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.
When we are enveloped by grief, making new plans can be a very important part of our healing. One of the things I was looking forward to was taking maternity leave. Since that wasn’t going to happen anymore I had to make a decision. So I made a new plan and handed my notice in. I followed my dream to run a business, and so now I get to work from home; and take my children to school and pick them up again; and do homework with them; and take them to clubs and events; and make them nice meals; and go to fun places when the mood takes us…
The fact that I changed my career meant that Joe could change his because he no longer had to take the children to school in the morning, enabling more flexibility when looking for his next career move. So now Joe has a new job and he’s loving it.
We’ve been able to have pets and look after guide-dogs.
Next year we want to start taking trips to visit our sponsored children in different countries (Uganda, Kenya, Haiti, India and Vietnam), – to spend some time with these children we have been writing to for years, and helped to have an education; maybe do some building work while we’re out there and help support them physically. It’s a new dream and it’s one we’re looking forward to.
Last year we faced something I hoped we would never have to, and something I didn’t think I would be able to cope with…. but I did. How? With God’s help; with the support of friends; with the unshakeable belief in verses like this one in Jeremiah 29:11:
One of the names of the Holy Spirit is The Comforter, and He brings comfort when we need it, in the form in which we need it – sometimes a text just when the tears start; or a knock at the door by a friend; or a box of chocolates; well-timed flowers; a glimpse of hope; a new dream, a perfect Bible verse…… Knowing God is amazing. Knowing His Word, the Bible, is life-changing. There are so many promises that God has spoken over me and over us a family and I know that every single one of them will happen.
1 Peter 1:6. So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.
I know that in this life we will have many trials. We all will. That’s life. But I would so much rather go through them with the Living God, who knows my past, my present and my future; the One who goes before me; who holds my hand and sweeps me up into His arms when it all gets too much.
1 Peter 5:10. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
Every time we go through something we didn’t think we would be able to cope with, when we come out of the other end, we are stronger, we are more mature, we are more compassionate to others who are suffering, it gives us depth
Today is the one-year anniversary of when I gave birth to Poppy and she went to be with Father God and dance with the angels. She went to meet our 2nd child who would now be 9, and I believe we will one day meet them both again and we will have eternity together. But for now, we keep on living, and we are living life to the max just like Jesus told us to!
P.s. The image right at the top of the page reminds me of the beautiful poem Footprints in the Sand which I have loved since I was a child, so I am going to finish with this:
Footprints in the Sand
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”
– by Mary Stevenson